Media Coverage

Daily Record
by Donna Rolando
June 1, 2008

Seek help with the trauma if you're forced out

When misfortune forces families to downsize to apartment living, powerful emotions can block their efforts to move on.

Being forced from the home where you grew up or raised a family is one of life's greatest emotional traumas, said social worker Michelle Borden.

"When you're dealing with this kind of pressure, sometimes people feel frozen," said Borden, associate executive director of NewBridge Services, a non-profit serving behavioral health-care needs in Passaic and Morris counties. "There are a lot of feelings that go along with this — like the rug is pulled out from under you and you're wondering, 'How did I get here?' You can't dwell on such things."

But how can one deal with crucial decisions — like where to find rental housing — while engulfed in anxiety, and even depression, over the loss of a home?

The answer from many, including those nearly crushed by such a loss, is don't go it alone. Seek out the support of families and friends, and if necessary, experts who can help with runaway emotions or legal or housing challenges.

When faced with downsizing due to the death of a breadwinner, disability, unemployment and so on, Borden said, it's important to take control over this first step to a new life. To make the best decisions, she said, one must make time to research housing options. Visit the neighborhood before moving in and consider whether you feel comfortable and have room to grow. Also measure the distance from work as well as from friends or family and consider expenses. Turn to people you trust for referrals to the real estate professionals.

The bottom line, Borden said, is "try not to let stress get in the way of good decisions."

While foreclosure is today's talked-about housing threat, divorce has a history of uprooting families as well.

"As women are going through a divorce, until it's final, they have no idea what they're coming out with in terms of finances," said Kate McAteer, coordinator of Women in Transition, a Wayne-based non-profit that helps to rebuild lives after disability, divorce and other challenges. "They don't know how much they can pay for a rental," she said.

"There's this complicated mix that comes in with all the indecision involving divorce. If you don't have a job, you probably have to get one first. There's a lot of upfront costs with an apartment, and if you're waiting for a house to sell, you have no idea how long it will take."

Until a home sells, it is not uncommon for two partners pursuing a divorce — a process that can take a year to 18 months — to continue to share the same dwelling, McAteer said, even though that may be uncomfortable.

Her advice: Come up with several plans. Be open to staying with relatives for a little while; seek guidance and support before entering unpredictable legal waters.

Even with the best of planning, the jump to apartment living can prove too rocky for those with limited finances.

A Hawthorne mother said she lived in her car for almost two years after losing her house in a divorce because she was too depressed over the breakup to keep her court date.

Now she's staying at a Strengthen Our Sisters (SOS) shelter in northern New Jersey and attending school so that she can afford an apartment.

Of losing a family home, she advises: "It's going to be hard going from something that's your own. You need support. You can't be in it alone."

Monika Philippe, who works with women at SOS in West Milford, said those seeking an apartment should keep three things in mind: It must be safe, rent should not exceed a week's salary, and a lease of at least one year will allow stability.

If money is tight, one option, according to Joan Grzenda, executive director of Women's Rights Information Center, may be housing that's shared. The Englewood center exists primarily to match single-family parents (men or women) so they can afford to "get on their feet" in the fifth-most expensive state for rentals.

If money isn't tight, Matt Shapiro, president of Hackensack-based New Jersey Tenants Organization, said to consider establishing a one-month cushion. Paying the first month's rent before it is time to move allows for an easier transition. Unlike homeownership, rentals can provide that luxury, he said.

When misfortune forces families to downsize to apartment living, powerful emotions can block their efforts to move on.

Being forced from the home where you grew up or raised a family is one of life's greatest emotional traumas, said social worker Michelle Borden.

"When you're dealing with this kind of pressure, sometimes people feel frozen," said Borden, associate executive director of NewBridge Services, a non-profit serving behavioral health-care needs in Passaic and Morris counties. "There are a lot of feelings that go along with this — like the rug is pulled out from under you and you're wondering, 'How did I get here?' You can't dwell on such things."

But how can one deal with crucial decisions — like where to find rental housing — while engulfed in anxiety, and even depression, over the loss of a home?

The answer from many, including those nearly crushed by such a loss, is don't go it alone. Seek out the support of families and friends, and if necessary, experts who can help with runaway emotions or legal or housing challenges.

When faced with downsizing due to the death of a breadwinner, disability, unemployment and so on, Borden said, it's important to take control over this first step to a new life. To make the best decisions, she said, one must make time to research housing options. Visit the neighborhood before moving in and consider whether you feel comfortable and have room to grow. Also measure the distance from work as well as from friends or family and consider expenses. Turn to people you trust for referrals to the real estate professionals.

The bottom line, Borden said, is "try not to let stress get in the way of good decisions."

While foreclosure is today's talked-about housing threat, divorce has a history of uprooting families as well.

"As women are going through a divorce, until it's final, they have no idea what they're coming out with in terms of finances," said Kate McAteer, coordinator of Women in Transition, a Wayne-based non-profit that helps to rebuild lives after disability, divorce and other challenges. "They don't know how much they can pay for a rental," she said.

"There's this complicated mix that comes in with all the indecision involving divorce. If you don't have a job, you probably have to get one first. There's a lot of upfront costs with an apartment, and if you're waiting for a house to sell, you have no idea how long it will take."

Until a home sells, it is not uncommon for two partners pursuing a divorce — a process that can take a year to 18 months — to continue to share the same dwelling, McAteer said, even though that may be uncomfortable.

Her advice: Come up with several plans. Be open to staying with relatives for a little while; seek guidance and support before entering unpredictable legal waters.

Even with the best of planning, the jump to apartment living can prove too rocky for those with limited finances.

A Hawthorne mother said she lived in her car for almost two years after losing her house in a divorce because she was too depressed over the breakup to keep her court date.

Now she's staying at a Strengthen Our Sisters (SOS) shelter in northern New Jersey and attending school so that she can afford an apartment.

Of losing a family home, she advises: "It's going to be hard going from something that's your own. You need support. You can't be in it alone."

Monika Philippe, who works with women at SOS in West Milford, said those seeking an apartment should keep three things in mind: It must be safe, rent should not exceed a week's salary, and a lease of at least one year will allow stability.

If money is tight, one option, according to Joan Grzenda, executive director of Women's Rights Information Center, may be housing that's shared. The Englewood center exists primarily to match single-family parents (men or women) so they can afford to "get on their feet" in the fifth-most expensive state for rentals.

If money isn't tight, Matt Shapiro, president of Hackensack-based New Jersey Tenants Organization, said to consider establishing a one-month cushion. Paying the first month's rent before it is time to move allows for an easier transition. Unlike homeownership, rentals can provide that luxury, he said.